when will the madness stop?

Our fabulous Bakerina actually answered Orionor's interview questions. I told her I would too. If you are interested, keep reading. Warning, some of his questions are adult-y, just so's those of you with easily bruised sensibilities don't go getting shocked.

1. in excruciatingly precise detail, please recount the plot, theme, pov, setting, grammar, style and special effects of your last sexual fantasy. include an endnote discussing your choice of font, its history, and a general overview of all antecedent and descendant fonts.
1. There once was a girl dressed in satin
who liked all her men to be Latin
with kisses so French,
her lusting to quench,
She would even let the technocrat in.

Our lady she liked to unwind.
She loved men who tickled her mind
She loved teachers in tweeds
and bent over their knees
as they reddened her little behind

font: arial. my preferred, so as to not detract from the verse with silly serifs.

2. did at least one of your parents have higher hopes for you than seems to be the case? explain just why things have been such a big fucking disappointment; assign blame on others whenever remotely possible.
2. My father wanted both my brother and me to be doctors. Neither of us is, although I got closest with my pre-med degree. I was more malleable than my brother, you see. I sabotaged the whole thing by failing my MCATs for med school admission. While my brother owned his own company, he was the smart one. Now that I have a tech job that pays well and my brother is working at Kinko's, I'm the smart one. Sheesh. All our problems are his fault. (boy didn't that feel good to say!)


3. are other people concerned about your a) drinking, b) smoking, c) sexual practices, d) eating, e) hairstyle, f) fertility, g) lack thereof, h) complexion, i) drug use, j) driving, k) laziness, l) workaholism, m) gambling, n) housekeeping, o) parental disciplinary failure, p) lawn, r) internet use, s) lowlife friends, t) lack of friends, u) inability to cook a turkey, v) pigheaded political beliefs, w) cholesterol, x) body odor, y) pets, z) mental health? for q), simply answer question u) while pressing the pound key.
3. c, d, j, k, l, n, o, r, y and z

4. what were you doing during the minute which began at precisely 1:30pm eastern standard time (gmt -05:00) on thursday january 22nd 2004 and terminated at 1:31pm eastern standard time (gmt -05:00) on thursday january 22nd 2004? as much as you possibly can, reproduce the real-time second-by-second experience, footnoting all words, names, technical terms, and slang which may have been in your thoughts but which may not be readily comprehensible to a small child.
4. at 1:30 pm EST (12:30 CST) Jan 22, 2004 until 1:31 pm EXT (12:31 CST) Jan 22, 2004 I was looking through a box of back issue comics at my friendly Atomic Age, deciding if I was going to pick up all the Terra Incognitas if I could only find issues 1 and 2 since 3-6 were on the shelf. Oh wait, that was the 21st. On the 22nd I was asleep at that time, dreaming of flying over the countryside with my stripey socks and a broom.

5. what's your deep dark secret? get it off your chest.
5. I have always lived in the same town. Always. I really need to move away someday.

6. assuming heterosexuality, what reasonably well-known same-sex celebrity would you sleep with if the fate of the world absolutely depended on you so sleeping with said celebrity? if homosexual, pick opposite sex celebrity on whom with-sleeping the world's fate does depend. if bisexual, pick wellable-nun cyllable celibritty celebaty famous person who sleeps with nobody with whom you'd be forced to sit in the honeymoon suite of the houston airport hilton watching a cable tv movie about the love between a figure skater and a hockey player defying all odds in order to culminate in an on-ice symbolic consummation which miraculously does nothing to endanger a pg rating.
6. Just one? ;) I guess I am not supposed to really enjoy it, then? damn. well hmmm, because I am not *really* bi-sexual, so does that mean I can avoid Woody Allen, who would be the choice if you want me to think of the most repulsive person I would sleep with. If I am allowed to like it, Allyson Hannigan is cute.

7. have you ever slept with some girl/guy, sheesh, s/he could have been all hairy with bad teeth and who knows what kind of bugs, you first met on the internet? okay then, just how many? a paragraph each, please.
7. yes. one, I actually met on a BBC, we hooked up, and eventually married. No one else, I have been working out my relationship issues with him for years now. *sigh*

8. i don't know what 8 is for.
8. Figure eight, as double four.
Figure four, as half of eight.
If you skate, you would be great,
If you could make a figure eight.
That's a circle that turns 'round upon itself.

Place it on its side and it's a symbol meaning infinity.

9. if a really nice blog writing guy were to come up from behind and give you a big hug while you're doing the dishes, would you blush all shades of a newly blossomed rose, saying "awwww" in a really endearing voice, okay, and then the nice blogging bloke were to be untying your apron ever so slowly and swoosh there it puddles on the shiny clean floor, and then -- oh, never mind.
9. I would indeed, as long as really nice blog-writing guy was nice at other times too, not just hugging while I am cooking and washing up. Bonus points if the tables can be turned sometimes and he is the one cooking and washing up and I am hugging.

10. what is your understanding of string theory? how do you reconcile its inconsistencies with standard quantum physics, and to what degree do you feel that einstein's model of relativity is nullified by subsequent work at both american and europaean supercolliders? please cite all relevant sources.
10. I keep no real knowledge in my head, I download it all to disk. Right now, my string theory has been downloaded to this site http://superstringtheory.com/. Einstein was just a pretty face the scientific community put forth so the blithering idiots in the public would feel distanced from the scientific community per se. He was a puppet in the whole affair.

11. so the blog writing guy, he's dragged you by the hair to the bedroom, and there are sixteen tastefully arrayed scented candles (whatever was on sale... lots of patchouli, that would be your guess) but, whoa, look out, the laundry's caught fire --
11. Good thing super-nice blogging guy had also run a hot bubble bath...we throw the laundry in the soapy water. Two birds with one stone!

12. what is it that most annoys you about other drivers? do you get this constant urge to mount a rocket-propelled grenade launcher on the roof of your car, wear an orange baseball cap with the name of a chainsaw company on it, and go cruising around looking for someone who's just asking for it, well, do you?
12. Drivers who will be damned if anyone will get in front of them ever, noway, nohow. Even if it would make traffic move more smoothly and quickly. Move 'em to the end of the line, sez I.

13. sheesh, this laundry's a total loss, what a smouldering mess. why don't we go out for a cup of coffee somewhere?
13. Mmmm, coffee.