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June 30, 2005

compromise is the art of dying slowly

Yes, Virginia, it has been almost a month since I wrote anything online. I have been contemplating the meaning of life. Yeah, that's it....really I have. Part of that is trying to understand how we get away from being ourselves and become something we don't even want to be for the "love" of other people. Or even to get them to like us. I hated seeing it happen when I was in high school even though I was probably an unwitting player of the game myself. Loneliness does strange things to people. They pretend to like certain books when really they don't enjoy reading at all. Movie tastes change. Sometimes it is a gradual thing and a person actually does change to be more like the person whose attention they want to keep. Other times a person changes because he sees the good in the way the people around him are, or she wants to be something more than she was reared to be. The sad part is when someone tries to fit into a mold he doesn't fit to gain or remain in a relationship. In the end there is much resentment and the feeling that you'd do anything for a person is replaced by a self-loathing and a despair about the significant other not loving you for you, but loving what you showed him you were in the first place.

So pondering all these things I came across this post by Amanda at Mouse Words, who is actually posting through Pandagon now, about women who will have surgery to replace their hymens so they appear to be a virgin when the big day comes. I agree, between all the active living we do these days, hymens don't really pose the painful and bloody problem they once did. However I think Amanda sums it up nicely in her last paragraph:

Ladies, if a man looks deep into your eyes and lovingly says that he cannot wait until he rips into you and you bleed and cry, if your first thought is, "Uh-oh. I don't know if I can give that to him because of other partners/tampons/a horse-riding hobby," you might have a problem that surgery isn't going to fix. But, a good step is to ditch that guy and maybe think about one who wants sex to be about fun and love instead of bloody conquest.

Someday people will be proud of who they are enough so that they don't pretend to be something else for the attention of others. Someday people won't put up with the crazy expectations of potential mates. The best relationships I have ever been witness to is when each person is his own person who enjoys the company of the other. Perhaps this is why the middle of love is much better to me than the beginning. In the beginning it's fireworks and sparks and giggles and inside jokes that are disgusting to watch from outside the relationship. With time that flame tempers and glows. Ten years later you realize how comfortable you really are, how much more yourself you are because the fear of offending the other person is gone. The security of the relationship affords us the ability to be ourselves more. I wouldn't want to jump straight into that part of the relationship, though. The journey is as important as the arrival.

Life 09:26 AM | Permalink


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